secrets

For the past 4 years, i have been carrying this baggage. feeling guilty of doing something that hurt the only person that i love, im already 27 ( and i hate mentioning that) and i still havent confess this great lie that i have made. and im doing this chance to unleash this baggage that i have been carrying for the longest time.

It all started in a social networking, ( im not gonna mention the site since its a little complicated) i decided to create an acct however i don't have a picture yet to post, so i decided to obtain one ( which i got from a website) as for my profile photo. few days after checking the account. I didn't know that it will attract a number of people, "fine" looking people on the site, i felt so good getting those feeds and i decided to go with it thinking " its just online" not a big "deal" thing,  it move on from days to weeks until i decided to put my own picture, to my disgust i felt pity for myself since im not able to find a date or a person that will like me, i lost my self confidence and i thought that " no one will ever like me" i decided to put back the old picture.


 Karl came, hes been very persistent and  very handsome,sweet, intelligent, came from a good school and a humble family. Everything that you can imagine in a guy is already on him.  during that time it was not a big deal to me. I pretend that the picture is me, as thinking that " okay this is a matter of making fun and no serious stuff"  I replied to his message. Days passed and i became seriously involved, i cant wait to hear from him and get another message from him, until i decided to give my number. one morning he called me up. he greeted me " good morning" and i was swept away, it feels so real, that someone is so caring and made an effort to call me and make sure that i will have a good day ahead

More weeks passed and im getting more and more to him. hes been calling the whole day. we've been spending time on the phone alot. and i know im falling in love, at the back of my mind, i know its not right. because, i have been lying, i know that im not the one in the picture, i know im not the one that he liked, But what will i do, the hardest thing to do is to face someone telling them that the worse thing that you did. I never had the courage to do that. so i ended up making excused to cut the relationship.
for some people i know you will say that im  stupid. that its just a simple issue, but when love/ lie/ and trust gets into the issue, it became such a huge baggage that you cant even move or think clearly. 


So we broke up. again on the phone I know that this dreadful day will come, and i have to end all of this because im starting to get hurt by the fire that i have made. Agonizing months followed. i didn't know that depression will kick in, i started isolating myself from my friends. i cried every night, or i would suddenly cry if i hear. see or felt something that reminds me of him. karma had come to take its prize. I lose myself on that process, i prayed to god to forgive me, for every lies that i have said. i don't know where to start. during that time and i thank my family for supporting me, they don't know what happened in the beginning but they know that its something to do with "relationship".


I know i have been stupid, any regular person whom your gonna tell this story will laugh, they will just mock the issue nad think that its so simple, but on my case I fall on a pit, that i have made. the worse thing is that he also fell in love with the person on the picture, i still remember when he cried on the phone begging not to leave him and for me to show up since he really wanted to hug me, all those sweet plans he has for meeting and having someone as his partner, as someone that he will be inspired of.

3 years has gone, the wound is still there and i bet its the same with him. i hope that hes able to move on, i hope that he with someone right now whom he's worth loving, i hope for all the best for him, that he will be happy, and lastly i nope that he will be able to forgive me in the end.

I hope time will heal the wounds, and i hope it will take time to heal now, i get what i deserve and I've learn that very tragic lesson, don't assume for someone that you are not. love yourself.  those are the words that i always have on my mind. i made a wrong path on meeting people, i was not confident enough on how i will be accepted, with all those negative aspects. i gotta negative results, i was able to put an end to this. but i hope my heart to move on. i hope that this will be a lesson to everyone, and be a caution. not all you meet online is real. take time. and be confident. don't assume.

weekends a jerk

its been a while that i haven't written anything about my random thoughts,

Just started doing now, to once again share my self to the world, or should i say a means of unleashing the baggages in me,

Its almost 5:00am, im at my desk, thinking of what to do not spoiling my weekend, its like i have an hr left and ill be leaving the office and spend another 4 days ( its supposed to be 2 days but with schedule adjustment it was made to 4 but thats just once!).

Im soo scarced with different plans, i dont know if ill be cooking something" nice for the weekend" or drink with buddies ( seldom accept invites since all of them has plans), sleep first then junkie the whole evening, or find a hookup!

Im also good with procastinating, things that i love to do will change in a few, specially when i get home, i live outside the city and driving out sucks! im supposed to go to the gym and i dont feel my bodies looking for that urge,

all i know is that i love spending it on the evening, splurge with good food and a good conversation, for a couple of years, i havent spoken about my whims and what i should really protray about myself, often than not i go with the flow shut myself down and just being nothing. what i wanna do next is something that i can have myself " engaged with" something worthwhile that will catch the everything in me.

i envy those people who manages their time and spend it like a maniac, where nothing is wasted then getting back fully energised. i cant stick my mind on what im doing i hardly appreciate or find the essence of real contentment. likewise.. i have alot of things that i wanna do, but thats something beyond my capability. life is complicated even simple things messed up, i just need a break. thats it, but it has been elaborated to a complex issue.

goodmorning everyone, i hope to find my lime light, its 5:00am now. ill use this keyboard on other task.

happy weekend